No one wants to talk about planning a child’s funeral. For those of us without experience in the matter, the topic is uncomfortable. We avoid it at all costs. For parents who have lost a child, it is a searingly painful time, and they need resources and support while going through it.
Planning a Child Funeral
When our son was fifteen, he asked us to help plan his funeral before he went through a very serious surgery. The whole story can be found in Chapter 18 of Different Dream Parenting: A Practical Guide for Raising a Child with Special Needs. (The release date is October 1, but it’s already available for pre-order on Amazon. Go figure!)
While writing the chapter on planning a child funeral, I found a few good resources, but not nearly as many as for other chapters of the book. Thankfully, several parents graciously (and tearfully) shared their stories for the benefit of others going through the same thing. I am in awe of their willingness to unwrap their pain so others can find healing.
Meet Melissa
In March of this year, a few weeks before the manuscript was due to the publisher, I spoke at a MOPS group in River Falls, Wisconsin and met Melissa. During her pregnancy, she and her husband learned their second child, Julia, had a birth defect not compatible with life. While waiting for her November 2010 due date, Melissa combed the internet for information about planning an infant’s funeral.
An amazing woman, don’t you think? Well, that’s not the half of it. The day before the MOPS meeting, Melissa learned she had breast cancer. Even so, when we talked after the meeting, she offered to send a list of the resources she located. A few weeks later, even though she was going through chemotherapy, she emailed the list before the book deadline. Told you she’s amazing.
Check Out Melissa’s Child Funeral Finds
Some of the information sent by Melissa is included in Different Dream Parenting. Some of it is listed below. The rest will appear in a post on April 27. If you know a family facing the death of a child, please pass the information on to them if you think they would appreciate it. Melissa and other parents interviewed for Different Dream Parenting found funeral planning to be a healing act of parenting, something they could do for their child.
- BIRTH-DEATH ANNOUNCEMENTS: www.babydeckar.com
- BOOKS: Mommy, Please Don’t Cry by Linda DeYmaz
- BURIAL GOWNS: Baby Bereavement Gowns, Angel Layettes, and Mary Madeline Project
- CASKET: Melissa says the Trappist Monks in Iowa sell gorgeous caskets for infants, toddlers, and children at www.trappistcaskets.com.
- MUSIC
Jesus Loves Me
I am Jesus’ Little Lamb
Blest the Children of Our God
In Christ Alone
Go My Children
Be Thou Near to Me by Selah
Remember Me by Mark Schultz
I Will Carry You by Selah
Precious Child by Karen Taylor Good
Still by Gerrit Hofsink
A Mother’s Love by Randy Thompson
Eternity by Vineyard Music Group
How Can I Help You Say Goodbye by Patty Loveless
An Angel’s Lullaby by Richard Marx
Butterfly by Mariah Carey
Somewhere Down the Road by Amy Grant - OBITUARIES: Sample Infant Obituaries
Enough Already
The mind can handle only so much at a time. Rather than giving you everything to absorb in one fell swoop, I’ve divided Melissa’s wonderful resources into two parts. So come back on Wednesday, April 27 for more. While today’s resources focused on the funeral, the remaining ones are concerned with grief resources for families. Not a happy topic, but oh, so necessary.
In the meanwhile, if you know of other resources please share them in the comment section. And would you join me in praying for Melissa and her family as she continues treatment for breast cancer?
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Hi Laurie,
Thanks for passing on the information. While Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep isn’t mentioned in this series, it is mentioned in Different Dream Parenting. You’re right. It’s a great ministry.
Jolene
Hi Jolene,
I posted both – the content and the link (in a couple of places in the post, with a blurb about you and what you do here). Someone responded with another resource for parents in this situation and I thought I’d pass that along: http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/ – a photography company that handles goodbye photos. What a ministry…
I too have imagined my daugter’s funeral. Often while sitting in the church I thought it would take place. Little did I know I would end up planning my step-son’s funeral first. However, I think we will pre-plan our’s and our daughter’s in the months to come.
Great post.
Nancy
Your comments are so wise, Stephanie. When Allen would have serious surgery, it felt so strange to think, “Okay, after he’s released from the hospital, the house will either be sick bay or a gathering place after his funeral. Is it ready?” The greatest comfort was knowing that if he died, he would be in heaven, without pain or struggle, waiting for our arrival so we could be reunited with him and God, who totally understood the death of a Son.
Jolene
one of the most remarkable things about having a child with critical life threatening illness (we started with heart surgeries from congenital heart defects) and moved on to other organ systems with troubles. . .is the very fact that you do plan the funeral through your mind, while living each day,and appreciating the present, the idea of burying your child is always present too. . . that is why we refer to being a parent of a special needs medically fragile child as the inner circle and going beyond the veil –
it is not a normal parenting experience, it is not a pathological one either, it is what it is. . .how many parents have stood at their child’s side with the drawer of a crash cart hanging open to see a body bag in that drawer with a description of how it is used. . .
how many parents have played through their mind and planned the songs, the pictures, where, how. . .
we do, it is the most tortuous part – however, it is also a very bonding compassion when you find out (for the first time) that you are not the only parent doing it – when a friend says “i better start planning a funeral” it will always make me hold my breath for awhile but with courage and bravery beads earned we do what we have to do, not what we planned, not what we wanted, certainly not what we prayed for, but somehow god chose us as parents to be the ones to have this experience and set examples for others. . i don’t have the answers, only the thoughts, but yes, i have thought about a funeral sadly and quietly all the while knowing it would be a celebration of laurel wreaths earned and a life lived happy and fulfilled with rich experiences of living, loving and laughter. . yes, even among all the tears !
stephanie, zakki’s mom
Dear Laurie,
Yes, please pass the information on. Would you forward the link for the post rather than the content? That will help get word out about DifferentDream.com so more parents can discover the resources provided here. Any mentions of Different Dream Parenting’s October release date is appreciated, too. It will have even more information for parents about planning funerals, and more importantly, dealing with their grief.
Jolene
Heartbreaking. But so grateful you shared this, because it really does happen. Yesterday at church, they played the video about the little boy with trisomy 18 who died after 99 days (film is called “99 balloons” I think). Their story, and Melissa’s, can bring such comfort to other families facing the unspeakable. Will share this forward through my channels… it needs to be out there more. Can I repost it on 5 minutes for special needs this week as well?