Hot Button Phrases: Parent Responses, Part 1
About a month ago, I posted a blog entry asking parents of kids with special needs to share their “hot button phrases.” You know, the things people say that turn you into a mama (or papa) bear because you know how words can hurt. Well, several parents responded with candor and grace. They shared some eye openers which I’ll be sharing in a series of posts this week.
Chances are, you’ll recognize something you’ve said before and feel chagrined. I sure did, and sometimes I had a hard time not getting all defensive and prickly. But I decided, as hopefully you will also, to consider their responses carefully so I could become more more sensitive and supportive of families caring for kids with special needs.
That Baby Sounds Terrible
I’ll start with a few of my own favorites. These come from our son’s first year of life when we routinely made day-long round trips to the hospital where the GI doctor dilated our baby’s esophagus. Though his tracheoesophageal fistula was repaired at birth, he had a barky, croup-like cough and his breathing was wheezy for several years.
After the doc completed the procedure (at 8:00 AM…which meant we left home at 5:30 AM to make the appointments), we would feed Allen and then go out to breakfast. Invariably Allen would start coughing, heads would start turning, and someone (usually a little old lady) would turn to a breakfast companion and loudly say something like, “That baby sounds terrible. Those parents have no business bringing him out in public.”
Those Words Hurt
There we sat, emotionally exhausted from comforting our hungry baby for hours until his appointment, after watching the doctor pull rubber tubes down our baby’s throat, after watching our baby cry and gag throughout the procedure, and strangers were passing judgment on our parenting. Those words hurt so much.
Sure, our son’s cough turned heads. It was hard not to notice. But it was also hard to not notice he was also Yoda cute and bright-eyed. He smiled at strangers and cooed at us. We would have loved to hear someone say, “Your baby is so responsive,” or “What brings you out with your baby so early this morning?”
Think Before Speaking
If the people around us had taken a moment before speaking, their thoughts might have followed this track:
- Why would young parents out so early with a baby with a cough like that?
- The hospital’s right around the corner. Did they have an appointment or was their baby just released?
- If their baby’s been sick, what can I say or do to encourage them?
What response would come from that line of thinking? Probably one much less judgmental than those we experienced when our baby was little.
So that’s my advice. Think before you speak. Consider the family’s back story before you say something. Think about how they feel, about the extra cares and concerns they deal with every day. Then think of something encouraging and positive to say or do. If you can’t, then don’t respond at all.
If my experience jogged some of your hot button phrases loose, leave a comment…but think about what you’re saying before you hit the send button. Be sure you’re framing your response so it will encourage someone in a positive way. And come back in a few days to have your eyes opened further by other parents who’ve had their hot buttons pushed now and then.
Thanks,
Jolene
I have encountered this too many times to count with my son Jake. He is 9 years old. I would love to have a positive comeback. In the past I’ve gotten angry and said things like “maybe you should have the whole story before you pass judgement, he’s not sick, he was born this way”…it has helped, now that he is older, to say to him (but sometimes loud enough for “them” to hear) “some mommas didn’t teach their children manners so they say hurtful things without realizing it” and then I apologize to MY son for THEIR behavior – definitely loud enough for them to hear!!
Many people respond inappropriately because they don’t know how to respond. During my teaching years, I learned the best way to handle it was to explain the situation and directly teach what to say and ask. Kids often accepted the information better than adults:)